We all fall down!

When I first realized that I had a problem, I weighed almost 400lbs, I was not sleeping well and I could make every issue that I faced someone else’s fault … I was mad all of the time! There was not a day when I didn’t lose my temper and blow up like some lunatic. I did a self-evaluation and quickly determined that the only thing that I was truly happy with was my family life; I have great kids and an AMAZING wife (she truly is better than I deserve!), but everything else sucked!!! So, as any sane person would do, I started making changes … Went back to school, got in the gym and started pursuing things that I thought would make me happy. For a while, it worked … But only for a while!

I lost about 120lbs, did great in school and found some level of happiness that I had been missing; or so I thought. In retrospect, I believe that what I actually had done was distract myself from the bigger issue! So, as the newness of the accomplishments of the gym and school began to wane, the issues began to resurface! So, I quit my job! In the midst of a recession, with only moderate savings and no plan, I left my position that not only provided me with great benefits (paid all of my housing, vehicle and communication expenses), but also gave me a pretty good living. On top of that, I was pretty good at it (at least that is what I am told) and I enjoyed parts of it immensely!

I have spent a lot of the time since then floundering. I gained back 90 of the 120lbs that I had lost, failed 2 semesters of school and have become increasingly bitter and angry! The worst part is … I couldn’t tell you why!!!

Just over a year ago, I lost my mom … That was more devastating and left me with more regret than I had ever imagined it could! If your mother is still on this earth stop right now and call, text or email her for no other reason than to tell her you love her! Trust me, one day you will wish that you had done that more no matter how often you do it now! I was willing to admit that the loss of my mother may have caused me some trouble; no matter how tough you are, you still want your mommy sometimes …

Several months ago, I started listening to a Pastor via podcast. This man has become one of the primary voices in my life! He publically discusses a very personal battle. Many would view this as a sign of weakness; however, I view it as a great sign of strength. As I heard him speak about his issue, I realized that several of the things that he identified as signals, were things that I was dealing with. I attributed these issues to the loss of my mom. However, it didn’t take me long to realize that I had been dealing with these issues for years …

This Pastor identified his (and due to the similarities my) issue as depression. What the heck?!? I am a strong, faith-filled believer … I am not depressed! Not depressed in the typical sense, true … but I was angry!

However, the more that I examined my life and the more honest I became, the more I was able to admit that I have been battling a form of depression for years. I thought that depressed people hid in their bedrooms under the covers and contemplated suicide and took drugs to ease the pain; I didn’t do any of those things! What I did was medicate myself to the point of numbness with food … I was killing myself slowly! I hid myself under the covers of arrogance hoping that no one would ever notice the little boy behind the walls of insecurity. Back in September, I got my nutrition and exercise regimen back on track; and last semester, I carried 15 units with a 4.0 GPA. I am by no means implying that I have it all figured out, but what I am saying is this …  

We all have issues, and I believe that few of us have a good understanding of what those issues are at first glance. Some days I stumble – I just ate a sinfully large lunch – but when I do, I typically recognize it for what it is, and can point to a root cause! As of yet, this ability has not kept me from stumbling, but it has helped me get up faster!

After all, it is not your ability to stand that makes you good … It is your ability to rise!

“Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them.” - Proverbs 24:16